When it was only 2

We had settled into a no-responsibility (children) life. We had packed boxes and moved 5 times AFTER getting married - living in 6 cities in 2 states in almost 7 years of being married. (For the geographically curious - we lived in Englewood, Colorado - Littleton, Colorado - Washington, Utah - St. George, Utah - Highlands Ranch, Colorado and then Castle Rock, Colorado.) Ryan was working for a dental lab in Lakewood, and driving about 40 miles to work. I was working for a home builder, and working about 60 hours a week. We had just bought/built a new home in the perfect neighborhood, and did about whatever we wanted. Lazy days . . . vacations . . . afternoon movies . . . hobbies. . . We LOVED living in our house, had great neighbors and being close to Ryan's parents and his brother. They had just had their beautiful daughter, Alli, and we were watching her grow into toddlerhood. (is that a word?)

But, we KNEW what was missing. We had felt that gaping hole in our lives for a few years, and yet knew that we couldn't fill in on our own. In November of '03, I went on a week-long business trip to Phoenix, while our fertility specialist was reviewing all of the tests we had gone through. A few weeks later, we had an appointment with him, and that Monday morning we sat there together, clutching hands, as he read us all of his results and telling us that there was no chance for us to conceive on our own. Our chance for a baby with the help of in-vitro fertilization was pretty small as well. But hey, that 12% chance would only cost us a bargain price of $13,500.

We left there devastated. Since the summer of '00 when I had a 13 centimeter tumor removed, we knew our chances were hampered by my health. We'd gone through several surgeries, untold number of tests, and our heartache was there before us. It was a Monday night, the middle of November, and we had Family Home Evening that night with Ryan's family. It was our turn to give the lesson. I had been reading a book on the last days of the Savior's ministry here on the earth before His crucifixion and glorious resurrection. The night He spent is the garden of Gethsemane, He KNEW of the plan of salvation, He KNEW of the importance of His part in that plan. But, in his pain and grief, he cried out to His Father.
Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done. Luke 22: 42

It was a great and humbling lesson for us that night. We cried as a family together, and Ryan and I told how we didn't understand why we were given this trial. We felt we had lots of love to share, and we wanted to have children. There are so many places in the scriptures that tell us that Heavenly Father requires of us a humble heart and a contrite spirit, and he will bless us. We had definitely filled the humble heart. What of the contrite spirit? Were we filled with a sense of guilt and remorse and sought repentance? That night, we were. We were filled with guilt and remorse over thinking for so many years that it was OUR decision to have kids or not, it was OUR decision when they should arrive, it was OUR perseverance that would bring children into our lives. That night, we turned it all over to our Heavenly Father. We told him, "if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.

We didn't understand why we weren't parents, but we accepted that we weren't. That was a BIG step for us. We thought we were settling into our NEW life. We couldn't have kids . . . . A DOG!!!!!! We found Cadi. We smiled for weeks! We paid for her, we scheduled her arrival - she was born in Kentucky and was making the trip to us via Delta Airlines - on her 2 month birthday, December 10, 2003. Now we just had to wait.

Long about the first week of December - something interesting happened - or should I say DIDN'T happen. It kept NOT happening. Strange. Suspicious. This picture was taken on December 5, 2003. It was my work Christmas party with Morrison Homes. We were too crazy, after so many years, to hope.

The next day was a Saturday. So, after years of buying home pregnancy tests - and having years and years worth of them be negative - we thought we would follow the standard procedure for us. We'd break down and buy a test, it would be negative, and the proof of the negative would show up within a day. We told ourselves, and each other, that we would wait until Sunday morning for the test. We made it to the store on Saturday afternoon . . . and made it about all of 15 minutes after getting home before we couldn't stand it any longer. I honestly couldn't believe my eyes. I couldn't find the words to tell Ryan. He couldn't believe it. So, we did another one on Sunday morning, with the same results - a very quick and very dark POSITIVE! What!!??!!

Sunday was spent in a stupor. I called the doctor's office first thing Monday morning. (Which happened to be my birthday!! They confirmed!! (We waited until Christmas morning to tell everyone, except Chris and Cari who knew on the day we picked up Cadi. - - - that was a very long 2 1/2 weeks with long days of being sick and not being able to tell anyone why!)

We really can't remember what life was like before our family. Cadi arrived at the airport 2 days later, and Daniel arrived at SkyRidge Medical Center the next summer. We were beginning to lose hope again - when we were just as surprised to again have a test go POSITIVE in February of '07. Logan completes our family!